Underwear: A Soliloquy

I have a love-hate relationship with underwear. On the one hand, I could never go without it--YUCK!! I don't know how those nudists do it (can you imagine bicycling or horseback riding with no underwear?? GROSS!) One time, I actually ran out of underwear (due to a miscalculation in the amount of days since the last laundry), and I ended up having to wear some of Rex's boxers. Not a pleasant experience, but definitely better in my mind than going commando. On the other hand, my whole life I have struggled to find the perfect pair of underwear: the one that stays put, doesn't ride up, and doesn't scratch or annoy. I have a hyperactive nervous system, so every little thing bugs me, even more so than most people. When I was little, my grandmother used to buy me the cutesie, frilly panties that are so fun for little girls. Guess who ended up wearing all of those? My sister. The lace and bows and frills were always way too irritating for me, but didn't seem to bother her. Must be nice. I always had the plain-jane cotton type because that's all I could tolerate.

So, I found some underwear at WalMart several years ago that became my standard brand, and they were OK--not great, but the best I'd found up to that point, anyway. Unfortunately, when I went to buy some new ones last year, I found that they had changed them significantly and they didn't fit the same anymore--story of my life. They were pretty awful, actually. I was totally bummed, and started looking for a new brand. I absolutely HATE shopping for underwear because you can't really try them on and you don't know how they are going to feel until after you've worn them and can't take them back. I can't tell you how many pairs of uncomfortable underwear I've gotten stuck with over the years.

Then a few months ago, I stumbled upon a brand of underwear that I hadn't seen before. It's called "The Best Fitting Intimates in the World." Being the skeptic that I am, and having gone through too many pairs of underwear with similar claims, my first thought was, "Yeah, right." But, they promised a full refund if I didn't agree with their statement, so I thought "What the heck" and bought a pair. Now, the world is a very large place, and I haven't tried EVERY pair of underwear that's out there. So, I can't really say without reservation that they are the BEST underwear in the whole world. They aren't perfect, but they are definitely the best fitting ones I personally have found to date. I was ECSTATIC to have found them!! I bought several pair and recently went back to WalMart to get another, and guess what??? THEY WERE GONE!!!!!!! What the heck?? I don't understand why this kind of thing always happens to me! I have yet to check at other WalMart stores to see if they still carry them there, but I may cry if I can't find them anymore.

So, needless to say, I will be keeping my eyes peeled for "The Best Fitting Intimates in the World." I think it's only fitting to end this with a little underwear song. Wouldn't you agree?

I have lost my underwear,
I don't care, I'll go bare.
Bye bye, longjohns.
They were very dear to me
Tickled me, tee hee hee!
Bye bye, longjohns.
How I miss that little trap door behind me.
If you see them you know where to find me.
I have lost my underwear,
I don't care, I'll go bare.
Bye bye, longjohns!