Warped Humor

OK. Here's a funny short story that some crazy guys at my high school wrote for the school literary publication. I didn't really know these guys--they were upperclassmen and we ran in different circles--but I wish I had because their sense of humor and mine are frighteningly similar. The day I read this story for the first time, I was sitting in Spanish class. I'm sure that Senora Mercer was teaching something important about conjugating verbs, but I was lost in the hilarity of this piece. I seriously laughed so hard that I was afraid I might either get kicked out of the classroom or wet my pants. Good thing I was the teacher's pet . . . and wearing dark jeans! ;) I realize that some of you won't appreciate the silliness of this little tale. Most of my high school friends didn't either. But my brother and I STILL laugh at it, and Rex and I quote portions of it all the time. It really is funny. Hope you enjoy it!

A long time ago (about a week), there was this giant killer cockroach that had one big eye; it looked kind of lie a basset hound’s eye. Now this roach always got into the Folger’s Instant Coffee grounds and laid eggs. There was no way in the world to tell the difference between the grounds and the eggs.

One morning, this really ugly girl with one eye bigger than the other and a mustache so bushy it turned orange, red, and brown in autumn, got up and fixed herself poached eggs and coffee. She noticed that some of the coffee grounds wouldn’t dissolve, no matter how hard she stirred.
She soon got tired of stirring, and her coffee got cold. She went to the cabinet to get some Kool-Aid and saw the killer cockroach sucking on a can of Raid with Kenny Rogers and Chuck Mangione. Now Chuck had these really cool looking side burns and a nose the color and shape of a kidney bean; the reason being, that Kenny had a super sucking vacuum cleaner hose hooked up to Chuck’s nose. Kenny cut the vacuum hose and opened it up. Inside he found meat, leather, granite, dye, a contemporary music collection, and, right from the sculptors at the Franklin Mint, the Civil War Chess Set. He noticed the etched strength in Lee’s face and a soldier’s bed roll. He also saw money. Lots of crisp, green money.

The roach seemed to be broke, so he ate everyone, including the ugly girl. He should never have eaten her, for she hadn’t trimmed her mustache in a week. The roach choked on that mustache.