Flatulation

This story goes way back to 7th grade. My best friend Kirsten and I were lab partners in Life Science. We were always laughing (do you see a pattern here?) Kirsten could make me laugh so hard that I would pee in my pants. In fact, I probably peed in my pants more days than not during 7th and 8th grade. You'd think I'd have invested in some Depends or something. But, I digress.

So one day, we were sitting in science class and we were bored out of our minds (as we usually were in science class). I was sitting with my elbow on the table and my chin in my hand, and eventually my head dropped such that my hand was completely covering my mouth. Not an unusual position for someone who is bored. Just then, Kirsten leaned over and said something hilarious. Now, I had gotten to be an expert at laughing silently because I did it so often. But this time as I laughed, I exhaled a large amount of air right into my hand. Unfortunately, the position of my open hand was just right so that it emitted a noise that sounded like someone tooted very loudly. But not just any ole run-of-the-mill toot. It was the biggest, longest, juiciest toot you've ever heard, and it reverberated in that room such that EVERYONE heard it.

Immediately, the teacher, Miss Rankin, looked out at the class and said indignantly, "I think someone needs to excuse themselves!" Of course, I was not about to own up to anything, particularly since that wasn't at all what it sounded like. I was highly embarrassed anyway, and was just hoping beyond hope that nobody knew from whence the sound had come. We sat in the back of the classroom, so that was in my favor. Besides, Kirsten and I were laughing so hard we couldn't have said anything even if we had wanted to. After a few moments, the teacher began this long discourse about flatulation--what causes it, how it works, etc.--and for the rest of the class period, that's what she talked about. Being a Life Science teacher (and most likely a flatulator herself), I guess she was an expert. At least it was more interesting than what we were discussing previously, so I think, in some strange way, I may have been a sort of unassuming (and rather invisible) hero. I'd like to remember it that way nevertheless.